Confused by the Visa Enquiry Service

[RCJG]

Has anyone any experience with the visa enquiry service?
I've applied for a fairly straight forward settlement visa (my wife of 30 years is British) and according to the published stats, about 70% of people should have heard by now.
We've got jobs to go to, and it's managing a team of 12 locals, who are desperate to find out when their jobs can start.
So I tried back in Mid April to use the Visa Enquiry Service via email and got this back:

>>> Dear Robert Thank you for contacting UKVI International enquiry service We have checked the status of your application. No decision has been taken on visa application. The application is still in the process. Kindly drop us another email next week and we will be able to provide you with answers.

Sounded promising! Did it again a week later

>>>Thank you for contacting the UK Visas and Immigrations international enquiry service. We received your application on 25/03/2014. I am afraid that your visa status has not been updated yet. Please kindly be informed that we are unaware when the decision making centres or visa application centres will update your visa status. Please kindly note that our standards say <YOU CAN GUESS THIS BIT> We hope that this has answered your query.

Well, it didn't answer anything, so I gave it another two weeks and sent another obsequiously polite email. I Got:

>>>Dear Robert, Thank you for contacting United Kingdom Visas and Immigration International Enquiry Service. Your Visa application status is "Nothing Happened" which means "The visa application has not yet been assessed by an Entry Clearance Officer (ECO)". 'Each application is assessed individually and processing times may vary, hence applicants are requested to be patient and wait for the processing to be completed'. Our standards say that we will process: <YOU CAN GUESS THIS BIT> [/u It is strongly recommended not to contact your Visa Application Centre on your own. They will contact you when your documents are ready for collection.

Well the bit I highlighted in bold has freaked me out: WHO have I been contacting if not the visa guys? What happens if I pay the 4 pounds and make a phone enquiry, or is that what they are complaining about?

Four months ago, I sent my passport and my application to Sydney, and since it left my hands I have no acknowledgement of anything other than an Australia Post delivery receipt into Sydney. It's probably in Manila. Who knows?

I'm nervous about making the enquiry phone call, and also nervous about telling my UK employer there is still no news on a visa.

Any advice, thoughts, notes, tips would be gratefully accepted.